Grief

Grief - seems to be a hole in my chest through which a piece of my soul has been ripped.

There has been so much grief around me this year. Most of the loss in my life has been due to relocation rather than death. But this year... Friends losing parents, lovers, spouses, grandparents. Much of this has to do with my age and I acknowledge that there is much more to come but this is the beginning. In my circle of friends, I am the only one who still has both parents.

I lost my grandmother, Lois, in 2009. She was 97. I knew her well, not just as my grandmother but also as Lois. I know she missed drinking beer with pizza. I know that she believed that her twin was more likable than she was. Knowing Lois, was one of the graces of my life.

In our lives, we meet people and we know who they are by the way they impact our lives. We often don't realize that they are people outside of that. One of the things that I learned from my grandmother was that I wanted my children to know me as more than their mother. I wanted them to recognize that I was the subject of my own life not just the object of theirs.

In doing this I think that my children also understand that they are more than the sum of all of their relationships. More than a husband or wife, a son or daughter, or friend. We can try to define ourselves by the others in our lives but we still have a responsibility to ourselves and in the end that is all there is. We pass from being wife, mother, sister, friend ... to being. It is sad if no one witnessed "us" outside the frame of our relationship with them.

It is important for me to stand back and see my children as the adults they are beyond and outside of me or I miss something pretty amazing. I have been blessed with the opportunity to know my mom and dad to listen to the things that are important to them. Lois taught me the importance of this by sharing herself with me.

As I start on this next journey in my life another generation of relationships is developing and I am excited to have permission to be part of the day to day events. Even so, I am already mourning the loss of the people I leave behind.

I know that as their lives continue here I will miss witnessing it. What I want to say most is how grateful I am for all of the pieces of these lives that have been shared with me. I am blessed by the experiences I take with me and that these experiences have shaped and touched me.

Thanks,  Lois, for life, for being my grandmother, for sharing yourself with me. I pay it forward in your name.